


India Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Butt: A novel by Tina Belcher

by Superbeans



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon), Indiana Jones Series
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-11-21 10:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11355408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Superbeans/pseuds/Superbeans
Summary: India Jones was the world's best and most beautiful treasure hunter, who discovered a secret cave in South America that led to the biggest secret ever;The golden butt.





	1. Chapter 1

India Jones was the world's best and most beautiful treasure hunter. Really she was a teacher at a big college out west, but her secret hobby was finding treasures that no one else could. 

She crept secretly through the undergrowth of this rainforest in South America, her hired guide following after her (played by Jocelyn). The guide was loud, and not as beautiful as India, but knew the area.

They found a secret cave and went inside. It was dark and spidery in there, but India wasn't scared. 

"Don't touch the light." India told her guide, who obeyed her without question and crawled underneath the light hat was poking through gaps in the cave. To prove she was right, India touched the light for like half a second, and super sharp darts shot out of nowhere!

India and her guide nodded to each other. After using her super cool rope skills to get them over a big gap, India found a bunch of weird stone platforms that stood between them and the other side of the room. But India knew what to do. She was smart, and super careful, and stepped on the blocks in just the right pattern to stop more darts coming out of the wall and killing her.

Once they were out of the way, India climbed up a few stairs and was left alone with the most precious of treasures, the golden butt.

India gulped. It was obviously a trap. But she was smart, and wasn't going to fall for it. She pulled a bag full of sand out of her rucksack, and quickly replaced one with the other. They were the same weight, so the trap wouldn't activate, but then it did, and the cave started collapsing!

"Uh oh," said India as she and her guide ran back towards the exit, dodging arrows along the way because they both ran super fast.

But the guide was a mean bitch, using India's rope to jump over the big gap and not throw it back.

"Give me the rope!" India pleaded.

"No way! Like, give me the golden butt first! There's no time to argue!" The guide said. India knew she had no choice. She threw the golden butt to the guide, who was then an even bigger bitch by running off and not throwing her the rope. And the wall was closing at the other end!

India made a running jump, but didn't quite make it, grabbing onto some vines at the edge of the big gap. She struggled to pull herself back up, and the wall was sliding down, and it was getting really intense!

But India made it at the last second, with a cool commando roll under the wall. She wasn't going to get trapped that easy.

Her guide wasn't that lucky though. India turned around and found out that she'd been stabbed with lots of arrows because she didn't listen earlier, and was now dead. India picked up the golden butt and made her way to the exit again, but this time another trap happened!

The walls were broken down as a huge butt shaped boulder crashed through, chasing after India!

She could run fast, but not butt boulder fast, and it was quickly catching up to her. And to make things worse, zombie nazis had found her, and were blocking her path on the other end!

India had to time this perfectly. She gulped, and dived down onto the floor, dodging zombie nazi bullets. But the butt boulder's buttcrack passed over her but only just, and instead crashed into the zombie nazis, crushing them!

The butt boulder smashed through the exit of the cave and caused an earthquake, which made India lose her footing and slip from the edge of the path. But she grabbed on with one hand and didn't die.

But she wasn't alone.

"Ahh, we're meetin' again, India Jones." Said Zeke Balloq, stepping out of the shadows (played by Zeke).

"You need both hands to pull yerself up, no?" Balloq laughed, and stole the golden butt from India. "What was yours is now mine. And it'll make a great addition to mah novelty butt collection!"

India pulled herself up from the ledge super fast, but by the time she had, Balloq was already gone.

"Dangit," she said, punching the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

After making a super cool escape from South America, India returned back to the college where she was a teacher, to teach amazing things about  ~~archeola~~ rocks.

But then she was suddenly approached by two top secret agents.

"I'm agent Teddy," one said, "and this is agent Bob. We believe someone you know could be in danger, India."

"Danger, really?" India said in a really cool way. "Who?"

"Your old mentor, Abner Pestowood," agent Bob explained. "The zombie nazis want him India, because he has the staff of Ra, and you know how mystical that is. You're the only one who can save him, India."

"Consider it," India whooshed her hair, "done."

India grabbed a plane and flew over to a mysterious country called ~~Nipple~~ Nepal, where her old mentor Pestowood lived. There were lots of mountains and snow, but she wasn't worried. However when she got there, she found out that her mentor (played by Jimmy Pesto) had passed away, and that the staff of Ra had been passed on. So it was time to visit an old friend.

*glug* *glug*

*...gulp*

The glass was emptied and put down, and he wiped the foam from his lips. The guy sitting opposite him (played by Daryl) matched him drop for drop, draining his shake without even shuddering.

"Okay then, double it," he smiled, and refilled two more milkshakes. Straws were added, and both slurped away.

But his opponent couldn't handle the extra milkshake, and soon started crying out, "aah, brain freeze...!"

The opponent grabbed their head from the pain and Martin Pestowood, who was the son of India's mentor and an old flame of hers, jumped up in victory. (Played by Jimmy Pesto Junior).

"Hah!" Martin laughed. "Anyone else wanna try me? I'll take you all on!" 

But then he span around and saw India. "What do you want?"

"Well that's a lovely way to say hello," India said. "How are you? Also can I buy the staff of Ra off of you?"

"Are you serious? No!" Martin said in a mad way, and India was forced to leave. But just as she was doing so, a whole bunch of zombie nazis showed up.

"Vere is ze staff of Ra?!" Their leader demanded. (Played by Louise Belcher)

"Never!" Martin shouted in refusal.

"You make a wery BAD choice, Herr Pestowood!" Their leader Toht cackled. "My zombie nazis vill burn your precious shack down!"

One of the zombie nazis dropped a flaming torch on the ground, and the whole building like instantly got set on fire, with everyone inside. So India knew she was needed.

With a super cool commando roll, she burst in through a doorway and grabbed her gun, quickly aiming and shooting a zombie nazi in the head. Because zombies only die if you shoot them in the head.

"Vat?! India Jones?!" Toht screamed. "I vill get your butt for this!"

"No, I'll get your butt," India shouted back, and shot another zombie in the head. Toht hid behind things though, so India couldn't shoot her.

Martin tried to help, knocking down one of the zombies with a chair that was on fire, but all that did was set the zombie on fire. Meanwhile the building was falling down.

"Martin, we've gotta get outta here!" India grabbed his hand, and the pair ran for an exit.

"But what about-" Martin began.

"-Never mind that!" India shouted, and boosted Martin up by the butt so he could reach the high ledge. Martin then helped her up, just as Toht found what she was looking for.

"Ze staff of Ra is, MEIN!" She cackled, feeling all victorious as she grabbed the medallion. But it was super hot, and burned her hand, which turned her laughter into screaming, which India and Martin could hear from a long way away as they escaped to India's plane.

"Sorry about your place," India boarded the pilot's seat.

"It's fine..." Martin sighed, as the building crumbled. "But you owe me one, Indy. You owe me like, seven."

"Seven it is," India smirked, and took off into the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers. Here is an update. There'll be one, maybe two more chapters, with plenty of cameos and lots of butt touching. Hope this is up to standard. :D


	3. Chapter 3

So India and Martin travelled by plane to a mystical place called Cairo, which was a place with lots of deserts.

"Ah, my old friend!" A man named Sallah welcomed them both. (Played by Gene Belcher) "You always turn up at just the right moments. Here I was thinking that this place was too much desert and not enough dessert, when suddenly my camp is overrun by zombies and their digging implements. Can I go one week without zombies!?"

"They're looking for the Well of Butts," India explained. "It'll make their butts super protective, and nobody wants super butt zombie nazis..."

"How do we stop them, chummo?" Sallah said, using his hands as a pair of binoculars but not really.

"We don't need to," India said. "They're digging in the wrong place."

India pointed to the right, because that was east, and showed Sallah where they were supposed to dig. It came with a bright neon sign saying 'Well of Butts here!' and everything. It was really super obvious.

"Alright then, let's head that way!" Sallah told everyone. "But first, desserts. Who wants pie?! I have four!"

 But little did India know, zombie nazis were watching their every move, and sneakily kidnapped Martin from under her nose!

"India! India help!" He cried, as zombie nazis threw him into the back of a truck.

"Martin! Noooo...!" India was ready to go save him, but the truck blew up with him inside!

\-----

"You bastard I hate you!" India yelled at Toht, who she had found at the local shake bar.

"Vat is wrong, Jones?" Toht sneered in her sneery way. "Can't handle your shake?"

"No, that's not it at all!" India slammed her milkshake down. It was chocolate. "How dare you kill Martin?! I liked him a lot!"

India shoved Toht to the floor, and lots of zombie nazis glared at India.

"You spilled mein milkshake, Jones!" Toht screamed up at her.

"I'll shake you," India threatened, and the two fought on the floor for a really long time.

"You'll never find the Vell of Butts, Jones!" Toht tried to punch India in the face but missed. India shoved Toht back, and said in a cool way, "Well see about that."

Cool puns aside, India left Toht to her milkshakes, and used the time to sneak into the nazi camp. In a sneaky way.

"Why're we here...?" Sallah asked. "Because we already know where to dig because of the neon sign, remember! It's not subtle!"

"Because we need to make sure," India said.

"You know, I'm sick of all this sand," Sallah whispered. "I'd trade it all, for a nice, big, sand-wich."

"That would be so ironic," India chuckled, as she sneaked her way into a tent. But to her surprise, hogtied to the floor was none other than Martin!

"Ibbbbia!" He sputtered, not able to talk very well because he had a gag in his mouth.

"Sshh..." she shooshed him. "You have to stay here, got it? I don't want the nazis to know I was here."

"Uggghh...!" Martin flailed his feet like he was angry.

"Don't worry. I'll come back for you," India said, and kissed him on the forehead.

"Sorrryyy...!" Sallah whispered. "I don't even know why I'm here. I don't contribute to the script or anything!"

"So let's get going," India suggested, and looped her arm around Sallah's.

"While square dancing? I'm game!" Sallah grinned.

"No, we're going two by two, duh," India couldn't help but smile. "How else do you find an ark?"

"Uggghhh...!" Martin complained, as the other two escaped. Meanwhile Zeke Balloq and the Dietrich twins (played by Andy and Ollie) had returned to the camp.

"Man, wut a day!" Balloq entered the tent and threw his jacket to the floor. "Ain't those nazis understandin' that I kinda like m'brain?! It's almost like they don't got none them-"

And then he saw Martin.

"Well hello there, lil' piggy! How long you been here?!"

"Ungfff!" Martin tried to respond but couldn't because he was gagged.

"We had some nazis kidnap him earlier," the Dietrich twins explained.

"I see. Well maybe it's time to make this piggy squeal!" Balloq circled around Martin. "You know, that derrière o'yers did always leave me weak."

Martin managed to spit out his gag. "...How weak?"

"Like, weaker than a sleepy kitten." Balloq said.

"Uh-huh," Martin smirked. "Well, how about you untie me? Then you can see more."

"Naww... I prob'ly shouldn't!" Balloq laughed loudly.

"Oh really?" Martin wiggled. "So why're you siding with the nazis if you don't like... butts?"

"Ooh yeah, c'mawn, shake it!" Balloq cheered.

"We'll just... be somewhere else," said the Dietrichs.

"Yeah, you go'n do that," Balloq agreed. "A'righ' piggy, let's seeya jiggle."

The ropes binding Martin were cut, and he kept his promise and wiggled his butt real good for Balloq.

\-----

But it was all part of India's plan. Because she, Sallah, and a bunch of other diggers had found the Well of Butts, and within it was the ark, known as the Lost Butt. Because it was lost and legendary, and butt shaped.

But she didn't know that the bad guys knew.

"Well well. We meet again, huh India?" Said Balloq, stepping out of the shadows. "Looks like hist'ry's about ta repeat itself. You found somethin', and now I'm takin' it. What was once yers, is mine again."

"We'll take that," the Dietrich twins stole the Lost Butt from India.

"Now it's time for this lil' piggy!" Balloq held Martin at gunpoint, "to go wee, weeee, weeeeeee, all the way home!"

Balloq kicked Martin into the Well of Butts, where he fell with a thud. "Now it's your turn, Indy. Yers too, fat boy."

"Me?!" Sallah panicked. "But there's snakes in there! LOTS of snakes!"

"Well then ah spose you're gonna have to learn ta like 'em, ain'cha?"

"Noooo!" Sallah screamed, as he and India were lowered into the Well of Butts. "I'm NOT afraid of snakes, I'm NOT afraid of snakes, I'm NOT afraid of SNAAAAAKES..."

"Welp, that oughta wrap things up real nice," Balloq laughed into the well. "If y'ever get out, y'know where ta find me Indy. Bah!"

Balloq sealed up the well again, trapping them all inside. But India had a plan. She always had a plan.

See, snakes don't like fire. So she lit one, and used it to keep the snakes away. Then she searched the well to find another exit, and escaped back into the desert. After getting into a super cool fight with a zombie nazi mechanic (played by Tammy), she and Martin stole a plane, ready to chase after Balloq and the Dietrichs.

"Don't worry about me! I'm happy just being here!"

"Fine by me," India squeezed Martin's butt secretly. "It's time to give them guys their just desserts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Ao3. Here's an update. I twisted the plot just a little in the interest of humour, but otherwise it's pretty faithful. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

India was super sneaky, and managed to get the Lost Butt on a boat headed for London, where it would be safe and her name would be made.

But the nazis ruined that again. One of their U-boats, which isn't a boat shaped like a U, appeared out of nowhere, and India only just had enough time to hide as Zeke Balloq and the Dietrich twins stole the Lost Butt, but Martin too!

In a super sneaky way, India followed behind them, and snuck aboard their U-boat before they could escape. The U-boat went in a totally different direction, and Zeke and his goons drove off in trucks before India could stop them. But that was okay, because there was another way to follow them.

"Now that's some horsepower." She said to herself in a cool way. Three super obedient horses were stabled near the dock. The first was a roan with a dark mane, and it was fourteen hands high. He second was a palomino with a white mane, and sixteen hands high. But the last was a pure black stallion, seventeen hands high and could hold his head up. India knew which one she wanted.

"Hey there..." she stroked his neck, making friends before climbing aboard and setting off after her enemies. The black horse, which she named Cole, could run like the wind, so she caught them up in no time.

"Ah told ya, we gotta test it out first, make sure it works!" Balloq shouted back at the zombie nazis. "Otherwise Herr Hitloeder ain't gon' be happy!"

"Aww..." a zombie groaned.

"Now git over here and help me move it a'ready!"

The zombie nazis were helping Balloq to move the Lost Butt, but not if India had anything to do about it!

"Wait, stop!" She jumped up from behind a rock, and aimed a rocket launcher at the Lost Butt. "Don't move, or I'll destroy it!"

"Will ya now, Indy?" Balloq guffawed. "Cause I gots a feelin' you ain't gon' wanna destroy such an important archaea... archama... archadiddly... thing! An important thing! And you ain't gonna ruin hist'ry now, are ya Indy?"

The rocket launcher in India's hands shook. The Lost Butt might've been a powerful weapon, but it was also a piece of history. And what was worse, there were horses. Beautiful horses. Lots of horses. And one of them was carrying Martin!

"...I can't do it." She sighed, and dropped her rocket launcher.

"Ah thought ya couldn't," Belloq grinned. "Beat y'again, Indy girl. Seize her, boys."

"Okay!" Two voices spoke at almost the same time, as the Dietrichs appeared from nowhere, and each grabbed one of India's arms.

"...dangit," she sighed, as she and Martin were tied to a post together.

"Now, how's this work again?" Belloq scratched his head. "We was s'posed ta use some magic sand or somethin'...?"

The Dietrichs shrugged at him. "...we don't know."

"Well that's just perfect ain't it?" Belloq shouted at them both. "How're we s'posed ta use the thang if we don't know how?!"

"Got any ideas?" Martin asked India.

"...no," India sighed again. 

But then Belloq found the answer.

"A-hah!" He pulled a bottle of sand out of his pocket. "Turns out ah had it here all along! Ain't that convenient?!"

"Just make it verk already!" Toht shouted at him. Weird. When did she get here?

"A'right, a'right, keep ya leiderhosen on..." Belloq grumbled, and held the bottle of sand up high. It must've been important or holy sand or something because it made the Lost Butt react.

"Close your eyes!" Indy commanded, and Martin closed his eyes too as a huge pile of smoke rose out of the Butt. Like a fart, but not really.

Indy and Martin weren't aware, but the smoke was actually angels of death. They created a huge vortex of fire, and all India and Martin heard were screams of terror. The Dietrich twins heads shrivelled up so they were tiny, Toht had her face burned off, and Belloq's butt exploded. The fire burned everywhere, turning everything in its path to dust... except India and Martin.

"Well that was close..." Martin said, as their ropes snapped off. But India pulled him closer, "not close enough."

The pair hugged, and India made sure to squeeze Martin's butt seven times. Because she owed him seven.

\----

India took the Lost Butt back to America with Martin, where agents Bob and Teddy made sure it was kept in a safe place, with their top man Mortimer working on it. (Played by Mort)

"We can't thank you enough for your hard work, India." Agent Teddy said.

India swished her hair, and squeezed Martin's butt again. "All in a day's work."


End file.
